When I was a child I was raised by my Grandmother who always had a lot to say. I believe most of these to be original thoughts simply because no one else would have the nerve to say them, but some of her words of wisdom you may have heard before. When I was in first grade I won a spelling contest and the nun in charge of it offered me bubblegum as a prize- I was forced to refuse it with my Gram's advice that only whore's chew gum. Needless to say that did not make me very popular with the nuns or any of my gum chewing classmates. But that was not the only reason I didn't have any friends in grammar school- my Gram's insistence of placing cut up onions in my socks and forcing me to wear them overnight at the first sign of a sniffle didn't help either. But when I woke up in the morning my feet may have smelled but those onions were black so they must have drawn the toxins out of my body. Her idea of making me wear herbal poultices under my clothes to ward away colds and flu didn't exactly help either but I did develop breasts rather early so there was that benefit! When I was ready to start dating she had some really helpful advice about men- forget the size of their hands or feet it was big nose equals big hose- I never thought to ask her how she knew. And when my husband and I were about to get engaged her advice was make sure that it fits where it hits- which actually was helpful as my husband and I had a very satisfying love life for over thirty years until he passed away. And for those of us who tend to speak before we think there was always- make sure that your words are sweet you never know when you may have to eat them. I always liked it when she said you are born with the face that God gives you but by the time you are forty you have the face you deserve- can't you just feel everyone rushing to the mirror about now? And my personal reason not to worry too much about dieting after the age of sixty- at a certain age a woman has to choose between her face and her ass. So carrying a little more junk in the trunk prevents wrinkles- what a great excuse for that next croissant!

I have been thinking about love a lot lately because of Valentine's Day. I remember when my husband and I fell in love and it was all so desperate and overwhelming. He told me that he could not breathe unless he was near me and he felt so overwhelmed by our love that he thought he would die. It's strange because I had those feelings when he was dying- it is like life and love had come full circle for us. I guess it is that way for everyone so don't waste a minute.

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OMG- just when you think life doesn't hold any more surprises for you - stuff happens ! I was just contacted yesterday by the three daughters from my Dad's second marriage. They found me on Facebook after looking for me for several years. They want us to become acquainted and they think of me as their long lost older sister. I was a teenager when they were young and didn't have much contact with them and after our father died- none at all. But just when I was bemoaning the fact that I am not physically related to anyone in the world - here they are! So as long as they don't want a kidney or something- I am not alone anymore. I will keep you posted !

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I have this theory that we are all connected in some universal way and just to prove my point- I received a letter from the Da Vinci League which is the oldest art alliance in the United States and where my late husband Doug was a member. They will be presenting an Annual Doug Kelly Award and they have invited me to present the first award this year. It will be given to a deserving artist who needs some financial assistance to continue their artwork. So in a way my husband still goes on and he helps some talented young artist achieve their dream just like he achieved his before he died. He would be so thrilled and so am I!

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I have not been blogging lately because I have put myself in therapy. It has been a big help for me and has given me much to think about. I have been beating myself up with questions that there are no answers to so I have decided to give myself a break and dwell on the future instead of the past - and I am sure that is a whole new drama. So I will be back on a regular basis for those who are interested.

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Does anyone out there visit chat rooms? I tried to go into one the other day but I was so overwhelmed by everyone talking at once that I gave up. Is there a secret for dealing with these things or am I just too old to learn? Someone out there send me some suggestions .

I just read something that said that the person dies but the relationship doesn't- how true is that. I guess that is why the loss of a loved one is so painful- you can't let the emotional ties that you have go. But the person that you love is gone so there is no where for those feelings to go.

I have been turned on to a website called GROWW.org by one of my friends. It seems to be really helpful and compassionate so I want to put it out there for anyone who is suffering a loss and needs somewhere to turn.

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I have been thinking an awful lot about signs from our dear departed ones lately. I have spoken to other people about their experiences and they have had many signs also. I am not sure why I find this so comforting but I really do.

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Today would have been my son"s thirtyfirst birthday but he died fourteen years ago. People ask how do you live with this- I don"t- I live despite this. I asked my son and my husband to send me a sign today because I needed it. When I was outside cleaning out my kitty litter box with the hose a beautiful butterfly flew along beside me. It followed me while I was doing this chore and I thought how delightful it was that it seemed so unafraid of me. Then I thought - is this my sign ? I think I will believe that it is and thank them both for the peaceful feeling it has given to me.

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Yesterday I was speaking with my best friend about the afterlife and if it was possible to receive messages from our loved ones . Well today I think I may have gotten a message. While I was brushing my teeth this morning I was looking in the mirror and I wasn't liking what I was seeing. I realized that I looked my age and then some. I was bloated in the face from too much sleep, bloated everywhere else from too many carbohydrates, and just generally looking sort of rough. But I decided not to dwell on it because I had too much to do so I jumped in the shower, got myself together, and headed out to the grocery store. While I was standing in the laundry detergent aisle having a silent debate with myself over the value of the premium brand versus the no frills brand an older asian woman touched me on the forearm. She said you very pretty- I smiled at her embarrased and said thank you. She said no thank you - the world needs pretty things. Was that a message from the other side when I needed it most or what?

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I have been thinking about how hard it is to be a single when you have been part of a couple. If you had always been single that would be your identity but when you are suddenly single that is where the struggle begins. It is like you had your identity stolen but there is no magic website that you can go to and have it recovered for you. Yesterday I was talking about perception and this is an example of that. You see yourself now as only half of what you once were and other people see you that way too so now are you of less value or does it only feel that way?

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Today I have been thinking a lot about perception. I went to my nephews graduation party over the weekend and when I left alone I felt so depressed about all the couples that were there while I am so alone. But I was married for over thirty years and I know that I have gone places by myself before so what makes this so different? It is my perception I guess. I keep thinking of how different my life would be if my husband had not died. But I can waste my life with all these what if's so I have got to man up and deal with reality- maybe I need a few more days.

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I just reread my blog from yesterday and I realized how much Doug changed my life and our friends lives for the better. He was able to open up peoples eyes to the art world and enable them to see art from a different perspective. Whenever his work was in a show he would always invite everyone he knew to come and inevitably people would say to him how they never appreciated modern art until he explained it to them. When others would say I think I can do that instead of being insulted that they thought it was so easy to produce, he would be the first person to encourage them. I think he handled his death the same way. Never once in the year that he was sick did he say why me. He never complained about anything- he suffered indignity after indignity and he was always grateful to just have another day of life. He was still looking for the beauty in the world up until the day he died.

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With the passing of a loved one there is always the question- what is their legacy? I'm not sure that I know exactly what a legacy is. Is it something that the person has done of importance? Is it something that you will always remember about that person? Is it a truth that only they were able to see- maybe it is a combination of all these things. My husband Doug was an artist and that was not just what he did but it was the way he chose to live his life. He saw the beauty in everything even when it wasn't obvious to everyone else. He used to tell me that it is easy to find beauty in a pretty picture but it is harder to find it in something that is not so obvious- I guess that explains some of his paintings. But seriously now he could look at someone who the world might not consider conventionally beautiful and proclaim them to be exotic and gorgeous. He saw beyond the surface of things and found beauty where no one else did. I think that is his legacy- he taught the people around him to look at life in a way that they otherwise would not- to see beyond the obvious and find the hidden beauty in everyone and everything. Doug was never disappointed in anything because he found the best in everything and that is a gift that he gave to me and which I will be forever grateful for.

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I went out with a friend today and I found myself people watching and I noticed how many people seem to be going through the motions of living but don't seem to be particularly happy. I guess I notice it more now because I am more attuned to emotional issues with people. Before my husband Doug got sick I would never approach anyone and ask if they were alright. I always figured that it was none of my business and I did not want to infringe on their privacy. But now I have lost that gene that makes me not want to bother other people and I go right up to them and ask if I can be of any help. Some of them say no but so far no one has been offended by me approaching them. I just feel that need to reach out when I see someone who is obviously in distress. Many people reached out to me and I guess I just want to pay it back.

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My husband was an artist so when we went on a vacation to Paris we spent a lot of time in museums. One day we went to the Museum of Modern Art and they had a piece about man and machines. The room that we went into had all these robot figures sweeping up paper cutouts of men. My husband wanted to take one of the cutouts home as a souvenier but I told him since you don't speak any French you will probably end up doing hard time in a French prison for a little piece of paper. So he decided against picking one up but as we were leaving one cutout stuck to the bottom of his shoe. He was so excited and he put it in his wallet and didn't look at it again until we were on the way home. When he looked at it he burst into tears and handed it to me. There on the back of the cutout in a childs scrawl was printed the name Max- our son's name. My husband said it was Max's way of letting us know that he was always with us wherever we go.

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I started thinking today about how my husband and I tried to cope with our son's death hopeing that it would inspire me to deal with my husbands passing. I remember that after five years of really suffering I decided that if we were going to keep living then we needed to start again. It was easier because I had someone to help me keep going. We decided to start traveling- we went to Europe because we had never been there with our son so there were no memories there- happy or sad. It turned out to be wonderful therapy for us. We managed to go there every year until my husband became ill. We built up a treasure trove of new memories to look back on and replace some of the sadder ones. When I said to my husband that I wished we could have taken our son on some of these trips he said that our boy is always with us wherever we go. He was so right.

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I have been thinking a lot today about forgiveness. When a loved one dies you go through a lot of stages of grief. There is sorrow of course and loneliness and guilt. You wonder if you have done everything that you could to make your loved one's life the best that it could be. In the beginning I prayed every day for a remission for my husband. I made all the bargains with God that everyone makes- like my husband is such a wonderful person and me well I'm not so much so please take me instead. And when that didn't work I prayed that his death would be painfree and that he would not be frightened or alone- that I would be there with him to help him pass over. I did everything that I thought was right to help make this possible and if I missed something it was not because I wasn't trying just because I didn't think of it. Sometimes at night when I can't sleep I play that year of his illness over and over again in my head trying to make sure that I did things the right way for him. But today I realized that I must first of all forgive myself and know that I did all I could to make his death as easy for him as it could be. Maybe this will help me to move forward instead of being stuck in this limbo that I find myself in.

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Well I came home from one of my four jobs today to find that my lawn had been mowed. My friend's husband who usually does it for me is away so I could not figure out who had been kind enough to do it. I was standing outside looking at it when one of my neighbors ( whose name I don't even know ) told me that he did it when he did his own because he realized that I needed the help. After I thanked him I went inside and cried because I realized that this is something I can look forward to - the kindness of people.