and goes

I have been thinking a lot today about forgiveness. When a loved one dies you go through a lot of stages of grief. There is sorrow of course and loneliness and guilt. You wonder if you have done everything that you could to make your loved one's life the best that it could be. In the beginning I prayed every day for a remission for my husband. I made all the bargains with God that everyone makes- like my husband is such a wonderful person and me well I'm not so much so please take me instead. And when that didn't work I prayed that his death would be painfree and that he would not be frightened or alone- that I would be there with him to help him pass over. I did everything that I thought was right to help make this possible and if I missed something it was not because I wasn't trying just because I didn't think of it. Sometimes at night when I can't sleep I play that year of his illness over and over again in my head trying to make sure that I did things the right way for him. But today I realized that I must first of all forgive myself and know that I did all I could to make his death as easy for him as it could be. Maybe this will help me to move forward instead of being stuck in this limbo that I find myself in.