it is really going !

OMG- just when you think life doesn't hold any more surprises for you - stuff happens ! I was just contacted yesterday by the three daughters from my Dad's second marriage. They found me on Facebook after looking for me for several years. They want us to become acquainted and they think of me as their long lost older sister. I was a teenager when they were young and didn't have much contact with them and after our father died- none at all. But just when I was bemoaning the fact that I am not physically related to anyone in the world - here they are! So as long as they don't want a kidney or something- I am not alone anymore. I will keep you posted !

and goes

I have this theory that we are all connected in some universal way and just to prove my point- I received a letter from the Da Vinci League which is the oldest art alliance in the United States and where my late husband Doug was a member. They will be presenting an Annual Doug Kelly Award and they have invited me to present the first award this year. It will be given to a deserving artist who needs some financial assistance to continue their artwork. So in a way my husband still goes on and he helps some talented young artist achieve their dream just like he achieved his before he died. He would be so thrilled and so am I!

and goes

I have not been blogging lately because I have put myself in therapy. It has been a big help for me and has given me much to think about. I have been beating myself up with questions that there are no answers to so I have decided to give myself a break and dwell on the future instead of the past - and I am sure that is a whole new drama. So I will be back on a regular basis for those who are interested.

AND GOES

Does anyone out there visit chat rooms? I tried to go into one the other day but I was so overwhelmed by everyone talking at once that I gave up. Is there a secret for dealing with these things or am I just too old to learn? Someone out there send me some suggestions .

I just read something that said that the person dies but the relationship doesn't- how true is that. I guess that is why the loss of a loved one is so painful- you can't let the emotional ties that you have go. But the person that you love is gone so there is no where for those feelings to go.

I have been turned on to a website called GROWW.org by one of my friends. It seems to be really helpful and compassionate so I want to put it out there for anyone who is suffering a loss and needs somewhere to turn.

and goes

I have been thinking an awful lot about signs from our dear departed ones lately. I have spoken to other people about their experiences and they have had many signs also. I am not sure why I find this so comforting but I really do.

and goes

Today would have been my son"s thirtyfirst birthday but he died fourteen years ago. People ask how do you live with this- I don"t- I live despite this. I asked my son and my husband to send me a sign today because I needed it. When I was outside cleaning out my kitty litter box with the hose a beautiful butterfly flew along beside me. It followed me while I was doing this chore and I thought how delightful it was that it seemed so unafraid of me. Then I thought - is this my sign ? I think I will believe that it is and thank them both for the peaceful feeling it has given to me.

and goes

Yesterday I was speaking with my best friend about the afterlife and if it was possible to receive messages from our loved ones . Well today I think I may have gotten a message. While I was brushing my teeth this morning I was looking in the mirror and I wasn't liking what I was seeing. I realized that I looked my age and then some. I was bloated in the face from too much sleep, bloated everywhere else from too many carbohydrates, and just generally looking sort of rough. But I decided not to dwell on it because I had too much to do so I jumped in the shower, got myself together, and headed out to the grocery store. While I was standing in the laundry detergent aisle having a silent debate with myself over the value of the premium brand versus the no frills brand an older asian woman touched me on the forearm. She said you very pretty- I smiled at her embarrased and said thank you. She said no thank you - the world needs pretty things. Was that a message from the other side when I needed it most or what?

and goes

I have been thinking about how hard it is to be a single when you have been part of a couple. If you had always been single that would be your identity but when you are suddenly single that is where the struggle begins. It is like you had your identity stolen but there is no magic website that you can go to and have it recovered for you. Yesterday I was talking about perception and this is an example of that. You see yourself now as only half of what you once were and other people see you that way too so now are you of less value or does it only feel that way?

and goes

Today I have been thinking a lot about perception. I went to my nephews graduation party over the weekend and when I left alone I felt so depressed about all the couples that were there while I am so alone. But I was married for over thirty years and I know that I have gone places by myself before so what makes this so different? It is my perception I guess. I keep thinking of how different my life would be if my husband had not died. But I can waste my life with all these what if's so I have got to man up and deal with reality- maybe I need a few more days.

and goes

I just reread my blog from yesterday and I realized how much Doug changed my life and our friends lives for the better. He was able to open up peoples eyes to the art world and enable them to see art from a different perspective. Whenever his work was in a show he would always invite everyone he knew to come and inevitably people would say to him how they never appreciated modern art until he explained it to them. When others would say I think I can do that instead of being insulted that they thought it was so easy to produce, he would be the first person to encourage them. I think he handled his death the same way. Never once in the year that he was sick did he say why me. He never complained about anything- he suffered indignity after indignity and he was always grateful to just have another day of life. He was still looking for the beauty in the world up until the day he died.

and goes

With the passing of a loved one there is always the question- what is their legacy? I'm not sure that I know exactly what a legacy is. Is it something that the person has done of importance? Is it something that you will always remember about that person? Is it a truth that only they were able to see- maybe it is a combination of all these things. My husband Doug was an artist and that was not just what he did but it was the way he chose to live his life. He saw the beauty in everything even when it wasn't obvious to everyone else. He used to tell me that it is easy to find beauty in a pretty picture but it is harder to find it in something that is not so obvious- I guess that explains some of his paintings. But seriously now he could look at someone who the world might not consider conventionally beautiful and proclaim them to be exotic and gorgeous. He saw beyond the surface of things and found beauty where no one else did. I think that is his legacy- he taught the people around him to look at life in a way that they otherwise would not- to see beyond the obvious and find the hidden beauty in everyone and everything. Doug was never disappointed in anything because he found the best in everything and that is a gift that he gave to me and which I will be forever grateful for.

and goes

I went out with a friend today and I found myself people watching and I noticed how many people seem to be going through the motions of living but don't seem to be particularly happy. I guess I notice it more now because I am more attuned to emotional issues with people. Before my husband Doug got sick I would never approach anyone and ask if they were alright. I always figured that it was none of my business and I did not want to infringe on their privacy. But now I have lost that gene that makes me not want to bother other people and I go right up to them and ask if I can be of any help. Some of them say no but so far no one has been offended by me approaching them. I just feel that need to reach out when I see someone who is obviously in distress. Many people reached out to me and I guess I just want to pay it back.

and goes

My husband was an artist so when we went on a vacation to Paris we spent a lot of time in museums. One day we went to the Museum of Modern Art and they had a piece about man and machines. The room that we went into had all these robot figures sweeping up paper cutouts of men. My husband wanted to take one of the cutouts home as a souvenier but I told him since you don't speak any French you will probably end up doing hard time in a French prison for a little piece of paper. So he decided against picking one up but as we were leaving one cutout stuck to the bottom of his shoe. He was so excited and he put it in his wallet and didn't look at it again until we were on the way home. When he looked at it he burst into tears and handed it to me. There on the back of the cutout in a childs scrawl was printed the name Max- our son's name. My husband said it was Max's way of letting us know that he was always with us wherever we go.

and goes

I started thinking today about how my husband and I tried to cope with our son's death hopeing that it would inspire me to deal with my husbands passing. I remember that after five years of really suffering I decided that if we were going to keep living then we needed to start again. It was easier because I had someone to help me keep going. We decided to start traveling- we went to Europe because we had never been there with our son so there were no memories there- happy or sad. It turned out to be wonderful therapy for us. We managed to go there every year until my husband became ill. We built up a treasure trove of new memories to look back on and replace some of the sadder ones. When I said to my husband that I wished we could have taken our son on some of these trips he said that our boy is always with us wherever we go. He was so right.

and goes

I have been thinking a lot today about forgiveness. When a loved one dies you go through a lot of stages of grief. There is sorrow of course and loneliness and guilt. You wonder if you have done everything that you could to make your loved one's life the best that it could be. In the beginning I prayed every day for a remission for my husband. I made all the bargains with God that everyone makes- like my husband is such a wonderful person and me well I'm not so much so please take me instead. And when that didn't work I prayed that his death would be painfree and that he would not be frightened or alone- that I would be there with him to help him pass over. I did everything that I thought was right to help make this possible and if I missed something it was not because I wasn't trying just because I didn't think of it. Sometimes at night when I can't sleep I play that year of his illness over and over again in my head trying to make sure that I did things the right way for him. But today I realized that I must first of all forgive myself and know that I did all I could to make his death as easy for him as it could be. Maybe this will help me to move forward instead of being stuck in this limbo that I find myself in.

and goes

Well I came home from one of my four jobs today to find that my lawn had been mowed. My friend's husband who usually does it for me is away so I could not figure out who had been kind enough to do it. I was standing outside looking at it when one of my neighbors ( whose name I don't even know ) told me that he did it when he did his own because he realized that I needed the help. After I thanked him I went inside and cried because I realized that this is something I can look forward to - the kindness of people.

and goes

I think that I am in a slump and that I need to take a step back and reevaluate what it is that I have to look forward to. Maybe I am making the mistake of looking for one big thing to make me happy. Maybe happiness lies in the small things that happen everyday and don't seem to be of much consequence. Now that I am older maybe I have used up my quota of big things like love, marriage and children- I have done all that. So maybe now smaller happinesses await me and maybe I don't see them because I am too busy waiting for something larger to happen to me. I will take this tact and see where it leads me.

and goes

I think that I need to take a clue from my blog title and just keep on going. I would like to find something to look forward to because I think that will give me some reason to keep on going. What do all of you out there look forward to? Someone give me some of your ideas please because I have used up all of my own.

and goes

Lets get back to this idea of reinvention. All these people that I read about that are reinventing themselves seem to be bigger than life. I am no hero or should I say heroine- I am just a regular person trying to keep going ahead everyday. I try to put one foot in front of the other but some days I take one step forward only to later take two steps back. How do you keep going in the right direction when you are not even sure where that is? Do these people have some kind of internal compass that I did not come equipped with? Where do they get all this strength and motivation from? I never thought of myself as being weak but now I question myself constantly. Lets leave this for another day.

and goes

I keep reading about how people can reinvent themselves and I wonder how to do it. At this point in my fifty plus years I am financially, emotionally and physically exhausted. I work four jobs just to keep my head above water and there seems to be very little time left for me. I know that it may not always be this way but I have a difficult time visualizing a day when it will not always be so. I guess that having difficulty seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is part of the grieving process also.

and goes

Isn't it strange how at different stages in your life all your priorities change? I guess that is because whatever happens to you causes your priorities to shift and makes you look at the Big Picture more closely. Like people who have experienced a close call with death often change their life styles to reflect the fact that they have been given a second chance. Well I feel like that even though my own life was not in a perilous position. I feel like being so close to my loved ones and their destinies has rubbed off on me and I am determined to make the rest of my life count. But the question remains -what do I do differently now?

and goes

Before my husband was diagnosed with a terminal illness I never realized that there are two worlds- the world of the healthy that most of us live in and the world of the people who are dying. I know - we are all dying but some of us know the name of the illness that will kill us and we even have a timeline or should I say a deadline awaiting us. This is something we rarely think about even though no one gets out of here alive but for people who know that they are dying and their caregivers it is all consuming. I always thought to myself when saying goodbye to my husband- will this be the last time I will say this to you or the last time I will see your face or the last time I will kiss you or hold your hand? It makes every word, every gesture take on a more important meaning. Maybe that is the way to live our lives by making every moment count, by making the most of every loving moment we share, after all you never know who you will spend your last moments with. I was lucky because my husband died in my arms just like I had spent the last year praying for. He was not afraid and he was not alone. He went off to join our son and all his family who had gone before him.

and so it goes

Isn't it strange how one loss can bring back so many other losses in your life? When my husband died I felt the loss of my son all over again even though it had taken place nearly fourteen years before. The difference was that I knew my husband was dying and my son died in a car accident so I was totally unprepared for his death. When your parents die you are an orphan, when your husband dies you are a widow but the death of a child is such a horrible loss that there isn't even a word for what you are then. The world goes on and your world has come to an end. I think that is where the anger comes from that people often describe as one of the steps of grieving. You can't believe that the sun still comes up and that birds still sing and that people still celebrate Christmas and birthdays and that life still goes on. But it does and now you are part of the world but not really connected to it- you feel isolated and removed from what everyone else is feeling.

Day One

I am starting this blog not just for myself but for anyone who faces the challenge of starting over at some point in their life. Ten months ago my husband died after a year long battle with brain cancer. I thought something like this could never happen to me after all I had been through with the death of my only child I thought God could never be that cruel. But then I thought- why not me - who am I to be so egotistical to believe that I had used up my quota of bad things happening. Now the question is where do I go from here- I had been married for more than thirty years and my husband was my best friend- how do you get through life when you are used to being a couple and now you are a single. I guess the real issue is where do I fit in and who am I now. I guess we will see on another day.